The heart of the matter...

It's the year 2012, and every year for the past 10 years at LEAST (I don't remember when people really start making resolutions) I have "resolved" to lose weight, instead I gain it.  I've watched many amazing woman lose anywhere from 40 to 100 pounds or more but still I am yet to be inspired.  I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2006 do I lose weight?  No I gain it and take medications to keep my blood sugars low.  I got married in 2008 to the most amazing man who tries to encourage me in all areas of our life but still I continue to gain weight.  I have the most beautiful daughter whom I love with all that's in me and who I want to be able to play with at the park and run around our yard, I want to take her to school and her be proud of her mother not ashamed that her mother can't do some of the things other moms do just because I can't find the motivation to lose weight!  So why why WHY do I continue to put food ahead of the things that I know I love more?!  Why can't I find the motivation, why does food hold such a power over me?  I pray and I pray for God to give me the strength to control my eating and to give me the energy to work out and yet I still avoid it all.  I claim to give my life to God living fully for Him and yet in this area of my life (more apparent to me than others) is the one place where I just don't feel the need to show it.  Is it because I don't really love myself?  Do I not view myself worthy of a healthy life?  I know God loves me and wants me to be healthy and to be able to enjoy time with my family not just sitting in front of the TV watching movies and calling it "family time"...ok so whats this all mean?  I'm not sure, and I'm still not sure where to find my motivation.  I'm beautiful so that's not the issue...I should be healthy and happy.  So people I'm going to ask a favor...pray for me whenever you think of me...pray that God will give me the motivation, that He will keep me strong in not eating more than I need and pray that I will find the energy to work out on a regular basis.  And if you see me at any point don't be afraid to ask me how I'm doing please because I know accountability is key.   I'm going to close with a picture of me.  Lets see how this changes in the coming months.